i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
We got so high yesterday we tried watching soccer
just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
whose parrot is this?
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
Randomize
