It's not a real calculator it's a math calculator
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
hotdog in my bra and i still managed to score. Got a bit freaked when he tried to eat it though. I paid 3 bucks for that fucking hotdog.
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
What do you want. Tryin to service my husband like the good wife that I am. It is bj Tuesday
Randomize
