I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
fuck it. im taking monday off to do some Jagering.
The guy who just got ate on True Blood had the same balls as you.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
His crazy is a thing to be cherished
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
Randomize
