So you refered to him as "monster dick"...not so much
he wanted to give me a nickname... my choices were superjugs,godzilla boobs or mouth of fury
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
Just saw a man in a motorized chair roll by drinking a beer. It's 9:45 AM. I love Louisiana.
Just spent the morning washing Bailey's and Guiness out of my clothes -_-
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
Randomize