shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
Nope. Too much basics going on right now. I'm tying you both up and throwing you to the vibrating sexy toy sharks. You shall either sink or get off gloriously.
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
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