i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
U should just post that picture of u two on facebook with the caption, does anyone know this girl? If so please tell her to take plan b, thanks
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
Randomize
