When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
He told me about his girlfriends trust issues during our post sex spooning
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
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