apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
They were so loud I wrote them a sex critique and taped it to his door.
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
She's dressed as a slutty Dalmatian. I doubt she has morals.
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
It's ok, I like adventure. Just ask my vagina.
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
Also I'm proud of us for having an educational conversation in this group text.
He drives a tundra! Of course I fucked him. Im just saying eventually im going to need help moving and he has a nice truck. Its like thank you for later on
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
Randomize
