Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
I hate to tell you this, but your sister reeks of whore.
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
he spent an hour trying to convince us that Ted Nugent is Kid Rock from the future. by the end of it i was very close to believing him.
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
You ate ashes out of my bong
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
Randomize
