He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
Correction... Drunk on winter break. There are no days of the week on break.
I can't put those talents on a resume
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
I fucked him while wearing his hat. I love the navy
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
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