I hate to say it, but I think my pandora being Marvin Gaye love songs was the prime reason for the bj last night
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
2048oz a keg...divide that by solo cup... comes out to 128 beers...simplifies into 5.3repeating cases...drinkable between two people
and u failed math?
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
Randomize
