Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
she asked me if i can do her a favor, came over, and gave me head then left. i still dont understand how that was a favor for her.
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
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