Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
We're 3 acts into this drag show and we've already run out of Lady Gaga songs.
they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
So i was told that i peed in the sink, had sex with a pillow and banged on a washer while singing idian chants
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
Randomize
