you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
11am puke and rally. THIS is what I'm gonna miss about college.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
The bellhop gave us weed in our keycard envelop. We went down to tip him and he apparently never gets that so he just gave us more weed. Kentucky is strange
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
that's the second time I've made out with him and woken up with my pants stuffed with PBRs I am convinced he's magic
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
