I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
i've never heard her scream louder than when the koreans scored. what am i lacking in bed?
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
I have a boner in one of my pics with her which no one noticed.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
I left him naked in his bed. I did cover his junk with a blanket in case his roommate walked in later though. so I don't feel as bad about it.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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