i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
His dick might not be the answer to my problems, but I'm definitely ok with testing it as a possible solution.
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
She was nothing like her profile said, we had nothing in common, and her picture mustve been like 30 pounds ago. But yeah we hooked up
Yeah, great now I will be tampon girl
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
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