He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
Btw. Being a stripper for a week without anyone knowing to pay off my school loan is no longer in my agenda.
I'm graduating college in 4 days. I already miss the bad decisions
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
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