Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
Give me the approximate price and I'll give you the equivalence in blowjobs.
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
I'm doing blow on my fuzzy rug
Come join me
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
He was hammered and shot his pistol into the lawn. Next thing I know sheriffs are at our house with M4s. He likes to party
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
Randomize
