made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
The ratio was 19 to 1 and the 1 was lauren so it didn't even count.
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
other than her wanting kids and me wanting to do drugs,were perfect for each other
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
Blood. All over. Pre coke adventure needs to slow down unless I'm involved
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
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