well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
Laziness has reached now heights if you too unmotivated to buy pot
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
help me choose which girl to send myself boning to my girlfriend to make her want to break up
which one looks the most like her?
drunk waterpark is besst waterpark.
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
Randomize
