Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
That is was cool to fuck the single mother accross the street until every girl i bring home gets the car keyed.
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
What alcohol should i drink Saturday to completely hate life?
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
Randomize
