Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
His crazy is a thing to be cherished
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
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