I'm 90% sure a girl here is wearing a bra strap as a headband.
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
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