i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
You were holding up a boot and yelling boot gang
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
Randomize
