This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
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