You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
hanging on that rope, lady gaga looks exactly like a used tampon
all i know is that if they can hide that much blood in her outfit, they definitely could have hid a penis
she said "feliz nobby job" then proceeded to give me a blowjob.
We went to red robin and there was a 15 minute wait so we went and fucked in the car. Quickies, endless fries, and a mascot handing out balloons- this is literally the night of my dreams.
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
Thanks, college. Tonight's decisions brought to you by margs in a nalgene.
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
2013: the year of legs covered in hair and pregnancy scares.
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
Randomize