another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
Ran into him again last night, stole his glowstick and walked away. The glowstick mountain in my room keeps growing.
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
I'd climb him like a horny MILF spider monkey.
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
Randomize
