i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
Dad's teaching me to make moonshine this weekend as "college prep". How scared should I be sis?
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
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