I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
Sitting here reading the internet and all i have to show for this summer is a shitty tan and the possible case of clamidia.
Yes... I'll kill two birds with one crazy ecstacy filled night.
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
Just walked by the neighbors and they are definitely butt naked sitting on a bed, watching Netflix, baked out of their minds, with the blinds open.
Welcome to Bellingham.
New drinking game, drink every time Rhianna says "Work" in her new song.
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
Randomize
