Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Do you knowhow much it sucks to puke in an automatic toilet? Not fun.
Ew.
It takes talent let's just say that
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
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