I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
I was very proud of myself that day. I had an awesome time. I don't care if I negatively impacted others.
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
Randomize
