Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
this chick on a show just showed her boobs and let some guy paint them others asked why she did it and her reply i quote "i was bored" why dont chicks get bored more often
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
Randomize
