Girls night always turns into let's seperate and get laid night.
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
Do you think it's my receding hair line that makes all the milfs attracted to me??
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