go do what you do best...puke behind churches
My t9 writes chubies instead of bitches.
either way. win, win.
ohhhh fuckk. chicks a dude.
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
Guess who's the proud owner of her very own foxtail butt plug!!
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
Randomize
