my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
I think I'm going to contact pbr and see if they'll sponsor our dreams
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
I got your flops too. But yeah you rolled off your raft a bunch of times so we had to ask the white trash squad to help you back on. You bit one of them
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
I'm shrooming way too hard to deal with your bullshit at this particular point in time
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
I think/hope James is drunk. He's standing in the front lawn loudly declaring "I AM a popsicle!" Over and over....
Randomize
