Only a mothe r could love this liver
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
we def had a heart to heart that turned into a BJ last night
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
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