i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
Her vagina should come with caution tape.
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
If there was a saddle on his sack, she would ride it.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
Randomize
