i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
Some guy just stopped me in the bar and asked if I had a shot named after me at another bar called God damn my VaJana hurts? He already knew my name was Jana so I couldn't deny it!
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
making my breakfast out of the pot brownies we made last night. Safe to say it's time to go grocery shopping.
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
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