seriously i just wanna be friends
pass
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
she said if I bought her franzia she would blow me, and she would fuck me if I splurged on martini and rossi. Franzia it is
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
He gave me my financial savings if I invested with him while I was giving him a bj.
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
Randomize
