He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
was his dick as big as our hopes and dreams?
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
Is it related to planting your seed? Cause I don't know if you have studied the development of a tiny human, but that is some complicated shit.
Isn't everything in a man's life somehow related to him planting his seed?
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
Ive only just recently decided that NOT fucking you would be best for both of us.
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
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