I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
Given everything we have talked about, is it wrong to ask you to be faithful to me, despite still dating him?
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
I can't decide which is the most disgusting: emily having sex on the stairwell of a frat, michelle shaving her vagina with a razor she found in a frat bathroom, or me getting fingered on the dance floor by some rando. opinions?
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
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