I had so many friends before that round of Never Have I Ever.
its like whenever the snow comes all the hott girls drop out of school. where are they
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
Topenga is going to be back on TV. Finally my fantasy of her being a milf in junior high has come full circle.
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
Definitely went down on him last night while he was wearing a cape. He randomly kept swirling it around me and "revealing me" in the mirror like a magic trick. I'm not even a little upset, it's fun fucking younger guys.
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
Randomize
