I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
Randomize
