i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
She has 260 profile pics. In 260 she's ugly and in 255, she's making the peace sign with her hands...
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
I woke up naked under desk at her apt once during my freshman year. I should have known that friendship was of a different breed...
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
he had a cock ring. i orgasmed before he even put it in
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