Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
So I got hit on by a gay guy. It might have something to do with the fact that I licked his nose.
And why did you do that?
Tequila
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
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