You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
I'll probably just close my eyes and point to a random name. That will be my vote.
I just realised how much we're failing the women's suffrage movement right now.
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
Randomize
