im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
Turned out not to be so bad. He had a big dick and i owed him for all the free beer over the year.
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
Nah, he's definitely here somewhere. Whether he survived the night or not is your problem, but I'm pretty sure he's around.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
Randomize
