I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
i'm only riding in the trunk because they put the case of beer back here..
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
He left his shoes, boxers and socks at my house & managed to walk home to his dorm without realizing anything was missing until 3 days after. That's the last time i'll ever hook up with a freshman.
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Randomize
