we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
Naked. naked and bneed help.
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
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