It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
College is just filling the gap until I get a rich girl pregnant
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
I have stickers all over my boobs and a lump the size of china on my forehead. today has not been good.
Just checked in with my friend who walked in on us. He thinks you two had a spiritual connection and he's bugging out
He was also rolling face on molly so his perception of divinity might be slightly off
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
Randomize
