I woke up this AM and all of my clothes i wore last night are gone. Instead i am dressed in air jordans, boxers, cargo shorts, and an Affliction t-shirt. the part that upsets me most is that i was with a guy who wears Affliction t-shirts.
Do you ever think God made girls unattractive around their periods as a warning?
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
since i'm not going, you must continue my tradition of flashing every person there.
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
Randomize
