Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
this is no time to have dignity 4/20 is coming
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
we didnt even have break up sex...
you had it for us with someone else...
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
According to him, i kept saying "I'm belligerent as SHIT" and tried to run around the house in just my bra and underwear. Thats when they decided to carry me to the car and take me home.
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
Randomize
