I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
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