How's tricks little girl?
Trix are for kids, old man.
Are we still dressing up as garden gnomes for halloween?
No. I would like to get laid again before I graduate.
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
It really does creep me out though that the next ten years will involve my friends creating smaller versions of themselves because to be honest I don't know how much I like some of them. So that thought it really scary
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
Its like people have to train for months before they try and drink with us and survive...
Randomize