My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
I'm at the point in my career when i know a sites a trap and isn't real porn
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
so the last visual we have of him for the next 87 weeks is him outside on the ground rolling around yelling I HATE BLOWJOBS
Beer bonging to Ave Maria
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
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