In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
at least you know where his tattoos end, so it wasn't a complete waste of time.
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
Is it uncouth to masturbate the night before a gyno appointment?
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
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