i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
Jager Bombs are cool, but hydrogen bombs are where it's at. Sparks and jager equals instant black out, I mistakenly tried eating a cigarette thinking it was a nacho.
even iPhones love lady gaga. everytime I type haha it trys to correct it to gaga. this is bullshit...
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
Decisions were made. The quality of them will be judged tomorrow
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
Randomize
