I think we should start referring to bisexuals as "strays"
Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
Randomize
