How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
You stood up and started yelling"Free blow jobs!" because you thought people would like you more.
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
I HAD TO PAY A COVER FOR THE FIRST TIME LAST NIGHT. My tits didn't get me in and I was so pissed.
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
Randomize
