Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
i wiped a booger on my final. end of semester present.
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
Randomize
